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[18 Oct 2003|12:10am] |
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mood |
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I'm tired of everyone's bullshit. this is my fucking journal no one has a right to continue a lame ass agrument with me. Last offical entry bye guys.
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[17 Oct 2003|03:19pm] |
Never was and Never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled...
Today was just what I needed. This whole stomache ulcer/stress thing has anchored me down and today gave me a nice relaxing break from trying to be free of that anchor. I won't be deleting my live journal for time being. I have work tonight from 6 to 11. 'oh joy!' (not really):P Tomorrow is Martialarts day let me jump and down with excitement - NOT! I can't wait til it is over and I can do nothing tomorrow night, which is actually good for once. i'll update after work until then see ya :P
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[16 Oct 2003|06:56am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Whisper |
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Okay I've been thinking for some time about deleting this thing. It causes more pain, hardly anyone but a really good few (you know who you are) ever looks at this thing, and i m even beginning to lose friends over this thing. Its retarded I just wished I swallowed my pride during throughout this whole "LJ experience".
don't turn away
don't give in to the pain
don't try to hide
though they're screaming your name
don't close your eyes
God knows what lies behind them
don't turn out the light
never sleep never die
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[12 Oct 2003|12:43am] |
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mood |
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 silly |
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music |
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californication |
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Mike gill is sexy...ok on to important things (jk) I am binh's loyal humble servant and I will devote my life to making her crack up at my expense!
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[11 Oct 2003|11:13pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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this night isnt gonna suck at all surprisingly. I'm hanging out with gill and steve and we're waiting for swati and binh to come after strathhaven's homecoming is over ;) tomorrow is gonna be working on projects up the wazzu (speaking of which amber call me tomorrow for the debate!!)
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| He's making a comeback... |
[11 Oct 2003|09:06pm] |
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mood |
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 horny |
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oh yeah, that's right, i still LOVE Mike Gill. If you also love Mike Gill, be sure to comment and let me know. He is the grand funk master of all things freestyle. He rocks my socks! HIS JOHNSON IS 12 INCHES LONG! I love mike gill, and you should too!
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[09 Oct 2003|10:22pm] |
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mood |
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cranky |
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music |
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My immortal - Evanescence |
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fuck this town! fuck MOST the people! and MOST of all fuck everything I thought I knew inside out!
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[09 Oct 2003|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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Yay! prozac nation movie trailer! click below:
http://movies.go.com/movies/P/prozacnation_2001/index.html#
Today wasnt that bad. Now i'm off to driver's ed (uck) hopefully I'll be alowd to go to araspha tomorrow night so once again I can allow my mind to dive into something else than me =)
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[08 Oct 2003|10:29pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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I seriously need to actually put an ad in the paper because what I try to say in all poems, choice of music, riddles, etc. revolves around my current "issue"
' I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything so I tried to
be like you and I got swept away..."
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[08 Oct 2003|06:42pm] |
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mood |
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optimistic |
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OoPs... I forgot one more thing:
Thank you everyone for coming, helping, etc. at my surprise b-day party. Might I add more of you are shadier than others at keeping secrets lol :P. You guys all made my weekend. Here I was thinking so deeply about things and having such a boring weekend and at the moment I wanted to freeze everything to remember what its like to really enjoy life. It meant a lot to me you all rock =)
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[08 Oct 2003|06:32pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Take her to the Music Shop - From Autumn to Ashes |
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I seriously think Dr. Frampton is out to get me....lol. I really really want to get honor roll this marking period but between the excessive projects from Finn, and all that hard stuff from AP it doesn't seem like a possibility. It's funny - I find that when I maintain atleast no lower than a B average in a class, that class is much more enjoyable. Well the only thing I can do is hope I do good for the rest of the marking period and who knows maybe I'll get honor roll. I don't think it would matter as much if I didn't feel like I had to compete for class rank but if I get a mediocre rank again I'm gonna be pissed.
My ulser is still reacting bad to the medicine but like the doctor said, nexium will kinda hurt for the first couple of weeks. Well I was a little disappointed we didnt have motif today but I'll live especially since all it ever is anymore is yelling back and forth at each other. I'm here sitting telling all the new members "NO you're not allowd to quit!", but really if all the yelling doesn't stop soon I'm gonna take a couple weeks off from motif to let it subside. Deep down I'm at this conflict with myself some know what I'm talking about others...just be content being you for now.
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[17 Sep 2003|10:18pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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I can't breathe and I dont know why. I feel so out of it and I dont want to anymore but I can't just make it happen I want it all to go back to the way it was but I now realize that in order for that to happen I need help.
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[16 Sep 2003|02:54pm] |
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mood |
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content |
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This is the last public entry. For some reasons I've decided to go back to Friends Only. For all you newbees that means as long as you're my friends list you can see my entries and if you're not comment and I'll add you.
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[04 Sep 2003|09:18pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Under Your Spell |
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wow I just got done watching Once More with Feeling (aka the Buffy Musical). I realized how much that makes me crack up and how horrible all of them sing except for James Marsters and Amber Benson. It's strange but I;m actually looking forward to school tomorrow and not just cuz its friday.
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| I'm So Fucking Happy ;-) |
[01 Sep 2003|10:37pm] |
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ecstatic |
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music |
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Sway |
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Its so cool I'm going to the fucking dashboard confessional concert tomorrow at noon :D!!!! I've been so happy lately and some will know why but there is still one thing bothering me. I keep having this reoccuring nightmare and although i m extremely happy i think its trying to warn me about something like i might get hurt. i dont know. anyone have experience with reoccuring nightmares??
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[30 Aug 2003|01:11am] |
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criminal |
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I became really bored and decided to write a survey/evaluation about summer. all my answers were a little too long but well!
[x]what was your favorite summer?: summer of '02
[x]why was this your favorite summer?: i was extremely happy and things made more sense to me then they do now; i was alot closer with all my friends then then i am now; my cousin eric was still around...
[x]who did you spend it with?: i saw mike and phat a little bit; I hung out with michelle and steve like every single day and mike s. about every other day; me and my sister talked more then so ofcourse her too
[x]if you went on vacations, where did you go?: I went to Disney World when summer began for two weeks - those were the best two weeks that summer!; and the beach with danielle and the rest of the neighborhood gang
[x]what movies did you watch?: this was when I began getting into horror movies so I watched the entire halloween series, nightmare on elmstreet series, and scream trilogy
[x]what singers/bands did you listen to?: strangely enough i wasnt in to music that much - i was too busy to enjoy music
[x]what was the best event?: when me and elaina threw a pool party for karate people since we just joined there. it was funny we didnt think hardly anyone was gonna show up because most of the black belts and fellow gup belts seemed pretty stuck up. well the only two black belts who came were coleman and spingler and most of the gups showed up. i cant blame the others because they didnt know us well then. it was lots of fun getting to know everyone up there.
[x]what was the worst event?: I dont know thats a hard one.... I dont remember a time when it was that bad.
[x]what was the worst summer?: the current one which is about to end- '03
[x]why was this the worst summer?: to make it brief - I gave up my summer to take a friggin math course b/c if i didnt my science would get screwed up and my friends around the neighborhood have changed in mean ways and i havent gotten use to it. i ve pretty down the entire summer and its not like me to be so down and it all started before school let out so i knew it was gonna happen during the summer and i recently discovered a sincerely like this person who will never feel the same way
[x]who did you spend it with?: Swati and Amy!!! (b/c of the math thing. they were the only cool part about it); michelle mike steve coleman gill melissa ashley and sam; some of the people who came to my party i saw a little bit
[x]if you went on vacations, where did you go?: I didnt go anywhere. We never went anywhere in the beginning of summer and towards the end my dad had a heart attack so we couldnt go anywhere then either but it didnt matter because i was the closest to my family this summer than i have ever been.
[x]what movies did you watch?: pretty much the same stuff as last summer along with new stuff in the theatres and we watched either charlie's angels, one of the harry potter's, or lord of the rings everytime we hung out
[x]what singers/bands did you listen to?: i became music crazy this summer - i began listening to weezer more and more, deftones, all american rejects, red hot chili peppers, the used, taking back sunday, michelle branch, fiona apple here and there, bic runga, trust company, and radio head and ofcourse dashboard confessional
[x]what was the best event?: reading really good books like the virgin suicides and prozac nation which i heard about from friends (isnt that sad that this was the only thing i could think of?)
[x]what was the worst event?: a couple of things - during the night of my first party hearing the inside jokes "i wasnt allowd to know" from my other friends who were at steves being ass holes. this went on the entire summer which it really shouldn't of bothered me but i hate feeling left out. Having the really bad stomache pains i got around the first week of august. Realizing for the first time i'm growing apart from my friends...
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[19 Aug 2003|11:31pm] |
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Semi-Charmed Life |
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I decided to adjust this survey that swati, tina, and everyone else have taken so I could take it without answering questions adressed to the girls. below is the obvious info you should know about me:
Name: Josh
Do you like it?: I dont really care
Nicknames: jdez, joshie, joesh, squash, copper, and the list gets longer
Screen names: chaosxbleeds, chaosMAGIK3
Birthday: 10/14
Sign: Libra
Location: ASS town
School: unfortunately Sun Valley High School
Status: no clue
Crush: yes
Virgin?: Yes
Natural hair color: brown
Current hair color: black (YAY!)
Eye color: blue but some say its pale green for odd reasons
Height: 5'4
Birthplace: Wallingford, PA
Shoe size: 11
I really dont want to talk about them right now...:
[ family ]
Parents: dave and theresa (:laughs at how gullable some are:)
Siblings: 1 brother 1 sister
Live with: family
Favorite relative: my cousin Steve
Everything you should like that I like so we dont kill each other:
[ favorites ]
Number: 7
Color: black or red
Day: friday
Month: October because of my birthday and halloween or June b/c of school getting out
Song: The Things We'll Never Know by Taking Back Sunday or The Scientist by Coldplay
Movie: Pay it Forward most definitely
Food: pizza (yes very boring i know)
Band: thats a hard one...I'll have to go with either red hot chili peppers or the used.
Season: summer
Sport: karate (yes surprisingly it is)
Class: english
Teacher: by far Miss Sharp is in the lead!
Drink: Sprite
Veggie: tofu (or however its spelled)
TV Show: buffy the vampire slayer
Store: Barnes and Nobles or Spencers
Word: undone for some odd reason
Animal: dolphin
Flower: none
State: i have no clue
Pretty Random.....:
[ this or that ]
Me/You: you
Coke/pepsi: Coke
Day/night: Night
Aol/aim: Aim
Cd/cassette: CD
Dvd/vhs: DVD
Jeans/khakis: Jeans
Car/truck: Car
Tall/short: can medium be a choice?
Lunch/dinner: Dinner
Gap/Old Navy: Old Navy
Silver/Gold: Silver
Alcohol/Weed: neither
I really hate the following topic:
[ love and relationships ]
Do you have a bf/gf?: no
Do you have a crush?: jesus yes
How long have you liked him/her?: a year
Why do you like this person?: strangely enough I have no friggin clue
If you're single... why are you single?: I choose to be
If you're not single... give details...: see above
How long was your longest relationship?: 2 months
How long was your shortest relationship?: 2 weeks
Who was your first crush?: I can say but chances are they could be seeing this so unless you call me or talk to me in person you wont find out :P!
What do you miss about them?: how they made me feel like a friend that meant the world to them
Past is another touchy subject:
[the past ]
What is the one thing you would change about your past?: god thats kinda hard.... saying good bye, joining karate, not standing up for myself when people at karate, school, etc. put me down
Last thing you heard: a car driving by
Last thing you saw: Pay it Forward
Last thing you said: I hate you
Who is the last person you saw?: elaina
Who is the last person you kissed?: my dog lol
Who is the last person you hugged?: binh lol ;)
Who is the last person you fought with?: my sister and my mom
Who is the last person you were on the phone with?: adrienne ;)
What is the last TV show you saw?: charmed
What is the last song you heard?: Greener with the Scenery by the Used
[ the present ]
What are you wearing?: my deftones t-shirt that I was missing for the whole summer
What are you doing?: answering the survey
Who are you talking to?: too many people in a chat room
What song are you listening to?: Sway
Where are you?: living room
Are you online?: Yes
How are you feeling?: pissed off at the world
Are you in a chatroom?: Yes
[ future ]
What day is it tomorrow?: Wednesday
What are you going to do after this?: going to sleep
Who are you going to talk to?: hopefully tomorrow I'll talk to Sarah, Mary, Adrienne, and Swati if she can come
How old will you be when you graduate?: 18
What do you wanna be?: everyone asks me that. I want to do something that deals with helping people besides a physician so maybe a psychologist
What is one of your dreams?: To make an IMPACT on the world by a book I'll eventually write
Where will you be in 25 years?: Either LA or Austrailia
[ have you ever ]
Drank?: ............
Smoked?: Cigarettes: no Other: no
Had sex?: no
Stolen?: sadly no
Done anything illegal?: o no i littered someone take me out back and shoot me! :O
Wanted to die?: god knows how many times
Hit someone?: yep
[ other ]
Do you write in cursive or print?: both
Are you a lefty or a righty?: lefty
What is your sexual preference?: Heterosexual
What piercings do you have?: no
Any tattoos?: no
Do you drive?: no but my sister did when she was 3 lol funny story actually
Do you have glasses or braces?: for odd reasons i wear fake glasses (aka emo glasses)
Did you like this survey?: it made me less pissed
What do you most like about your body?: nothing
How many fillings do you have?: like 4
Do you think you're good looking?: not really
Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: sometimes
Do you look like any celebrities?: when i started spiking my hair and wearing emo glasses i've gotten comments that I look like jack osburne ;)
this is really stupid but i didnt want to cut out a whole section....
[ fashion ]
Do you wear a watch?: sometimes
How many coats and jackets do you own?: 2
Favorite pants?: my tan khakis
Most expensive item of clothing?: dont kno dont care
Most treasured?: do my emo glasses and barbwired braceletes count?
What kind of shoes do you wear?: Sketchers, Chucks, I used to wear DC's
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| Help |
[07 Aug 2003|10:52am] |
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mood |
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determined |
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music |
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Trust Company |
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New layout in honor of Final Fantasy X-2 coming out in November. I have a problem...a good friend just had a really bad experience and I'm talking to them now and I feel like they want me to say its gonna be okay when technically it isnt. Should I just say "everything will be okay" or does anyone have something else in mind?
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[27 Jul 2003|06:14pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Hexagram - Deftones |
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Really Bored. I got this from michelle's live journal with just a few adjustments:
1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
I have no clue thats a tough one. Anywhere but here works.
2. FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I dont really know. If a smile and maybe dark or fair skin count.
3. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?
Thursday - Five Stories Falling
4. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Probably the cd store at the mall, amc marple 10, or the coffee beanery
5. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Karate, School, Need I say more?
6. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
My neck or around my shoulder blades
7. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING?
On School/ Work days I get up at 6:30 and on normal days like 10 o'clock
8. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
meat cleaver lol!
9. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?
ignorant people who think they have the right to put others down when they aren't exactly god's gift themselves and when people talk about secrets in front of you when you re not suppose to know- trust is hard to come by these days
10. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Either guitar or drums
11. FAVORITE COLOR?
Green Black or Dark Blue
12. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?
Doesn't matter as long as I'm lucky enough to have something to drive in
13. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
Most definitely. How can we just die and everything just ends like that?
14. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
Can't remember
15. WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
dish duty
16. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
O God thats a tough one...either telekinesis (read minds, move things with mind, etc.) or fly
17. IF YOU COULD HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
a celtic knot
18. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
not without breaking something
19. WHO IS THE ONE PERSON YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND TALK TO?
either my cousin eric or little me like 4 years ago.
20. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Friday
21. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
I dont have a car yet
22. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
I dont like either really
23. WHO'S YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Its kinda funny - I thought I didnt have any but now i find i have more now than ever. To narrow the list down its pretty much Michelle, Ashley, and Sam
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| My Story |
[27 Jul 2003|05:07pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Are you Happy Now? - Michelle Branch |
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Ok. Here's the story of this boy who was somewhat dorky but never really cared what people thought of him. He was pretty happy. He began developing further interests like martial arts, expanding his likeness for music, and even started writing poems. Although he didnt get very well marks during his first year of high school he was still okay. He tried mirroring off of his friends, who in his opinion had great taste in music,personality, and a philosophy of life, without looking like some wanna be. he was happy and often looked at articles or the news talking about suicide and often wondered how could someone hate their life that much?
Well disaster wasnt too far. His cousin died. They werent like best friends or anything they still were somewhat close and he was extremely depressed for awhile after that. His grades got even worse no matter how hard he tried. His favorite sport karate became less apealing everyday. The people there became more shallow, vapid and emotionless everyday constantly looking down on him. Then his friends starting changing. They became more shallow, unnecessarily perverted along with hormones on a rampage. His friends from school began treating him less important like a sniviling little worm in the corner of every party. Both groups of friends began to share new secrets and left this boy out of all of them even though they would bring them up right in front him. He fell in love with one of his best friends but realizing that friend would never understand and awkwardness would always occur when he was around that friend, he almost did something he told himself he'd never do....he contemplated the attempt of suicide.
Weeks later his one peak of happiness came. He met a girl through a friend got the phone number and called. He talked to her on the phone alot and finally went on a date with her. He got the feeling her family didnt like him but he didnt care because he like her not her family. Then after weeks of on and off flirting he learned from her cousin that the girl he thought he shared a likeness to loved another a guy and more importantly one of his friends. His friend set the other friend and the girl on a date and the boy saw this with his very own eyes. He was hurt. It was like his friend didnt care whether he had feelings towards this girl. Shortly after that the place he loved his work started rumors that he was "gay, "coming out of the closet" and what not. Being overwhelmed of all these things and feeling sick he threw up his sorrows and flushed them down the drain but that wouldnt hold for very long.
He realized how upset he was with his life and his mother noticed it also. They had a talk. She reminded him although people are ignorant to understanding his pain, there were still many who cared including herself. She said if karate was overwhelming she'd let him take less classes or even let him quit altogether but thats not what he wanted. She told him "life is what you make of it. yes you should be grateful for not living in poverty or dying of some disease, but that doesnt mean you dont have the rights to feeling sad and wanting to feel better."
And so here I am.......Sitting on my computer not planning to publicize this to anyone atleast not until i m ready. I'm not writing this to show how depressing of a life that I lead or to gain pity from anyone. I'm writing this to purely reflect on this entry in the future and to get my point across that my mother was right that life is what i make of it and hopefully when i recover from whatever I'm going through I'll realize that.
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chaosxbleeds's journal